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by Paul Phillips Published: September 10, 2007
For the past few seasons Mark Burnett, trying to recapture the ratings of the Richard Hatch heyday, has been trying new hooks to reel in viewers. First there was Exile Island, the “SHOCKING TWIST” which usually played as boring and inconsequential. Then, for Cook Islands, Burnett divided the tribes by race. This move was bold, controversial, and definitely got people’s attention. The racial divide was poised to have a big impact on the game—but the tribes were unified way too early, making the whole thing a moot point. And Fiji’s “haves vs. have-nots” twist decimated the unlucky players so badly that the season became an uninspired, predictable death march for the have-not Ravu tribe. This time, instead of tweaking the game, Burnett has changed the location. As the CBS promos keep telling us, this journey to China is history-making: it’s the first time a U.S. television show has filmed in the country. I guess to television producers that’s a big deal. I’m not all that impressed. If I want to see China from my couch, I can simply turn on The Travel Channel. Among the attractions we’ll see this season are the Great Wall, the Shaolin Temple, and a Buddhist ceremony that, according to Jeff, some players find emotionally overwhelming. The castaways are always suckers for the local song-and-dance routines. If the Great Wall of China gets more people to watch my show, that’s fine with me. But Survivor, as always, is all about the players. Good casting like Shane, Cirie, Dreamz, Yau-Man, Jonathan and Rocky make a season; not enough of these compelling characters make a season a dud. Here are China’s Survivors, with Jeff’s insights and my observations: The Fei Long (Flying Dragon) Tribe: Aaron, 32, a surfing instructor from Venice, CA: Aaron is the blue-eyed, square-jawed, clefted-chin young alpha male. I’ll bet he makes kissy-face with one of the pretty young things. Aaron’s type is often a major player in the game. Courtney, 26, a waitress from New York City: According to Jeff, Courtney “can be a bitch with a negative attitude.” Sounds delightful. Sounds like my sister, actually. Amanda, 23, a hiking guide from Montana: Amanda was crowned Miss Montana 2005. Of course there are only, like, four people living in Montana. But a big achievement nonetheless. Jean-Robert, 36, a professional poker player from Las Vegas: Jeff says Jean-Robert is “a big guy with a big, big personality.” The token fat guy. Leslie, 38, a Christian radio talk show host from South Carolina: Leslie’s hobby is studying scripture (doesn’t get more exciting than that). She was a finalist in the Regis & Kelly co-host search when Kelly went on maternity leave (sorry, but NO ONE can replace my Kelly Ripa). And she auditioned for Survivor 11 times before finally being selected. Praise the Lord! Denise, 40, a school lunch lady from Massachusetts. I’ll let Jeff describe Denise: “Denise is a likable, blue-collar woman with the most lovely mullet.” Yes, a mullet. And this isn’t a modified, new millennium mullet. It’s a mullet the likes of which I haven’t since the ‘80s. Denise looks like a real tough broad, and I can almost guarantee she’s going to be the breakout star of China. Todd, 22, a flight attendant from Utah: Todd is a gay Mormon who, according to his bio, “thinks the Spice Girls are the most significant historical event of the past 100 years and is unbelievably stoked that they are going on a reunion tour.” Forget the World Wars. It’s the Spice Girls that are the most significant historical event of the last decade. Oh, who am I kidding. I’m really stoked that they’re back together too. James, 30, a grave digger from Louisiana: For obvious reasons, it’s probably better not to piss him off. The Zhan Hu (Fighting Tiger) Tribe: Peih-Gee, 29, a jeweler from Marina Del Ray, CA: Jeff says “Historically, Peih-Gee’s qualities don’t bode well. She’s quick with an opinion and she’s got a lot of them.” Dave, 37, a former model/current bartender from Simi Valley, CA. Erik, 26, a model/musician from Nashville: Jeff compares the dreamy, curly-haired Erik to Africa’s dreamy, curly-haired Ethan. Erik’s band FLOREZ has shared the stage with Gavin DeGraw and The Doobie Brothers (yes, THE Doobie Brothers). Wearing his model hat (and, it would seem, his model underwear), Erik appears in the Summer/Fall 2007 Hanes campaign. Ashley, 28, a WWE SmackDown Diva from East Northport, NY: Jeff says Ashley is “strong and she’s mouthy and she spends a lot of time running around in very little clothing.” She also has blond, black and pink hair, and face piercings. I predict Ashley will be a complete idiot, or utterly compelling. Probably both. Frosti, 20, a film student and Parkour athlete from Chicago: And what, pray tell, is Parkour? According to Frosti’s bio, “Parkour is essentially making the environment into an obstacle course.” Jeff describes it as “a mix of gymnastics and martial arts.” Never heard of it. Sherea, 26, a 4th grade teacher from Atlanta. Yawn. Jaime, 22, a student from Columbia, South Carolina: a blond, flirty sorority girl. Chicken, 48, a chicken farmer from Virginia: the token old, country-bumpkin guy. Jeff says Chicken is “an old-school, hardworking guy who knows what it is to build a shelter, get firewood, build a fire, try to catch fish—and then have lunch. If you put him around people who aren’t his age and don’t have his work ethic, he doesn’t understand.” But I bet he’ll get along great with Denise and her lovely mullet. Survivor: China premieres Thursday, September 20. |
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