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by R.J. Carter Published: December 4, 2007
Okay, that was pretty much the idea behind "Plan 9 From Outer Space," and given a choice between that and "Alien Siege," I'll take the Ed Wood production. "Alien Siege" is a Sci-Fi Channel production, made sometime during the end of the budget year when most of the funding had already been spent on more watchable material. The Earth has been invaded by the Kulku -- a race so humanoid that they pass completely as human. (Thankfully for the viewer, they all wear a nicotine patch on their right cheek to identify them as aliens.) The governments have bowed to their insurmountable military might, and the Kulku have given their terms: they want 8 million humans to be surrendered from around the globe for processing. The share for the United States is 800,000. To process a human, the Kulku basically melt them down leaving just their blood, which is then used to create a cure for a virus ravaging their home planet. Everybody knows this is the reason -- and yet a diplomatic humanitarian solution never occurs to any of the geniuses running the world. (The average human body contains 8 to 10 pints of blood. Multiplying by the 8 million humans demanded, the Kulku have a need for a maximum of 80 million pints of blood. So 80 million people globally could have each donated a pint of blood -- a renewable resource, I might add -- and the Kulku would have reached their quota. Nobody should put any of these guys on Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader.) As the movie opens, the United States is still 350,000 short of their quota. A lottery system has been developed to select the sacrifices (Shirley Jackson must be spinning) and the daughter of a scientist has been one of the latest selectees. But he's not just any scientist. He's Dr. Stephen Chase (Brad Johnson, former Antichrist of "Left Behind" film fame), and he's been working the past twenty years reverse-engineering Kulku technology. That's what fell at Roswell, back in the day, see? (How does he know it's Kulku tech? How many other alien species do you know of, he says.) Of course, nothing ever worked, but since the Kulku have appeared, the inert little minerals have begun to glow, and now Dr. Chase has himself a super-duper laser gun. With this in hand, he joins the rebel forces on Hoth... er... somewhere in America, and singlehandedly begins a takedown of the Kulku, using an observatory as both a site and a sight for firing his weapon of mass destruction. The film has every science fiction cliché there is. The rebel female (Lilas Lane) who's recently lost someone falls in love with the feisty doctor in record time. The alien sub-commander begins to have recriminations over the actions of his people. The military runs the country (and Carl Weathers runs the military). And the helpless-yet-spitfire daughter (Erin Ross) is rescued and gets to call her captors names. On top of that, the acting is so wooden that the Thunderbirds marionettes seemed more emotive, and the special effects extend to some CGI overlays that show the Kulku ships flying over idyllic cul-de-sacs -- which doesn't look like CGI at all. Not. The audio menu allows the viewer to select from Dolby Digital 5.1 or Dolby Digital 2.0 (English only). The menu is also where you can turn on the commentary with director Robert Stadd and cast members Nathan Anderson (the Kulku commander), Michael Cory Davis (a rebel fighter), and Lilas Lane. The bonus feature on the disc is a slideshow of production stillshots. Previews on this disc include "Undead or Alive." |
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